This should give you an idea of where my mind is.
[Redacted] Anyway… I want to donate to a sperm bank, but I’m too young. I meet the intellectual requirements (soon to be attending an elite university) as well as the height requirements of all the places I have found. I am also quite certain that my looks are enough to win me points in this game of non-communicative selection. I also want more information on having a big family and the best way to go about doing such a thing. Nothing I want more. I look to America’s history, and the big families come from the Mormons and the Catholics, however, today, I don’t believe (in a utilitarian sense) in the Catholic faith. I’m thinking about Orthodox Christianity. It is increasingly difficult in today’s society to find a woman who is game to face such a challenge or burden. I understand. Not only is the idea, the intimate idea, not too appealing to most, but most women of intelligence will be attending university. Graduating at 21, they are almost too old to start a large family. Sad! I want a nice 16 year old to start making babies with, however, society looks down upon such a thing. I do not envy those men who get women pregnant in high school you may be shocked to find, as this is not a conscious act. Their primitive mind willed them to act recklessly, and the result was an unexpected one. I on the other hand, have plans. These plans, unlikely to be enacted, yet still tenable. I will be able to support a family. They will not. If my balls were to be hacked off today, would I commit suicide? I don’t know, but I would act like a castrato, a eunuch, shamed, mopey, willess. I would do my best to sacrifice for my family, but a chunk would certainly be missing (hehe). I realize, after reading this, that, although more educated than my radical counterparts (Dylann Roof, Eric Harris ect.) I come across as obsessive, irrationally so. No. I have my reasons. I believe in tradition. The singular tradition, transcendent, surviving in every ancestor before me, billions of years, was one of the will to reproduce, or the ability to reproduce. In a world filled with danger and extremes, ice ages, meteors, extinction, famine, destruction of homeland, conflict, tribal genocide, I prevail. Everyone on earth prevailed. Who am I, selfish and coddled, to break this chain? What say do I have in this? None. None at all. My ancestors that had one child, my ancestors that died for their child, my ancestors who died in childbirth, my ancestors who gave everything, did it for me. I am the legacy that they left. I am what they died for. And for me to choose not to reproduce, is a spit in the face of millions, even billions. Men greater, infinitely so, than myself. Me, a plebian, ending their legacy. They aren’t remembered, but they exist. So, when someone tells me they don’t plan on having children, I shed a tear, not for them, I loathe them, but for the billions they flipped off, spat on, denigrate. What they chose, is worse than a holocaust, worse than destroying a graveyard, worse than slapping your mother, what they did cannot be rectified. What they did is beyond their life. This is an open letter to those hedons, those whiney, stupid thots in my class, who dye their hair blue, yet decry the ugliness of “feminazis.” Bitch, to call them nazis, brings shame upon the nazis, because nazism wouldn’t have stood for such, but rather stood for construction, love, and beauty, not destruction, a denigration. I understand that this journal, if found/released (certainly because of my own doing) is to be found in anything resembling our era, it will not reflect well upon me. I don’t mind. Why lie to myself. Why lie to those interested in truly learning who I am/was. To ramble, I read the classics: Dickens, Hemingway, Paine ect. and notice how insane their writing styles are, and it infuriates me. I hope this is not how I am being perceived right now, and if it is, then, please understand that this is my intention, for I can respect an author such as James Joyce for his concerted effort in manipulating the english language, no matter how much contempt that sort of condescension stirs up in me. He deserves the clemency. He is brilliant and I reserve judgement. Also, to track back to perceptions of my writing, and my predictions about their reception, if you look at my era and see it for the clownishness of what it is/was, I applaud you. I know one thing in full certainty, and that is that the age I live in is a decadent and filthy one, doomed for failure. If we were at peak prosperity during this time, let me be the first to tell you that this seeming material advantage we have, as expressed by Steven Pinker and his ilk, is at the expense of all else. Our incomes are up, our time spent occupied by our phones is up. Our standard of living goes up, our communities are nonexistent and lack trust. We are areligious, and we are atomized. I’m confident that this areligiocity cannot last. I know this because the idea is a destructive one. No matter the truth, it serves no purpose. It damages community and the spirit of our nation. Even the religious have let their religions be perverted to the point of apathy. Let me say this: despite my numerous anti-islam comments, it’s a front. I have a deep respect for the religion, the fanaticism, traditionalism, and familial structures it engenders. I am against the Arabic people in my homeland. They are a threatening people because of their religion when mixed in our societies. They outbreed us, and their men have no qualms with taking our women, rendering them and their progeny theirs. As long as women stay loyal to the race, the men may venture into other, bleaching, or muddying the one they invade. This loyalty of men is important in the west right now because polygamy is largely unacceptable, and failure to take one of your own forces her to find a suitor and this dice roll may lead to a member of the outgroup. I don’t blame these women, I find it sad, but I don’t blame them. Weak men seeking a reproductive advantage granted them this free will, their privileges were not granted to them by their own force, but by men they coerced through wielding their sexuality. Weak men who should have been exiled. Men within a tribe mustn’t be divided, especially not by women. When such a thing is true, the tribe deteriorates and fails to function.
I apologize for my prose. This was meant for myself, but I decided to publish this so that I may reach the ready ears of one.